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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26505361">what we could be</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbornvalkyrie/pseuds/starbornvalkyrie'>starbornvalkyrie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Anxiety, F/M, Panic Attacks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 13:22:12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>6,591</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26505361</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/starbornvalkyrie/pseuds/starbornvalkyrie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a Modern AU Rowaelin fic, loosely inspired by some major events in my own life. I’m not sure how long it will be yet, or how often I’ll be able to post, but please enjoy my first fanfic ever!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Aedion Ashryver/Lysandra, Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien/Rowan Whitethorn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Let's just… see what happens when I get back. </em>
</p><p>Those words have been running through Aelin’s mind non-stop. The bomb that Rowan dropped before his study abroad program in Wendlyn was Hiroshima to her heart. </p><p>“I don't want you to feel obligated to stay loyal to me,” he’d said. “I don't want to make those kinds of promises yet.”</p><p>During the drive from the airport, Aelin cried. She drove straight to Lysandra’s house and cried some more. A week later, she was finally able to eat a full meal, only to throw it back up. The same with the two meals following that.</p><p>“I just don’t understand what was wrong, Lys. I thought we were on our way to a steady relationship.” Aelin sat on Lysandra’s bathroom floor, leaning against the toilet, and looked up at Lysandra who was perched on the edge of the tub.</p><p>“Nothing really went wrong, hon. I think Rowan is just being your stereotypical college guy. He met a girl who very well could be the mother of his children, which, naturally, made him panic. I mean, you remember what happened with Aedion.”</p><p>Aelin had to snort at that. Her older cousin, Aedion, is Lysandra’s fiancé. But years ago, there was a span of time when Aedion was the biggest idiot and asshole on the planet, failing to see the perfection staring him in the face. </p><p>They had just graduated college, and Lysandra had just been accepted to the University of Adarlan to pursue her Master’s in Fashion Design. But Aedion was off to Perranth to start Basic Training for Terrasen’s Army. Needless to say, Aedion turned into a controlling bastard and tried to convince Lysandra to stay in Terrasen.</p><p>Lysandra said no, went to Adarlan, and when Aedion’s eight weeks of BT were over, they reconnected. By no means was it easy, but they made it through. The rest is history.</p><p>Aelin had to admit, Lysandra had a point. But that still doesn’t tell her what they do now. Did he say that so he can hook up with foreign chicks without guilt? Or does he think Aelin isn’t good enough?</p><p>“I know what you’re thinking, and <em> no </em>, it does not mean that you aren’t good enough.” Lysandra took one of her hands. “Aelin, sweetheart. I know how hard it is for you to be rejected, but look where you are right now. Ten years ago, you were barely a preteen fighting her way through the foster system--”</p><p>Aelin closed her eyes as the memories of Arobynn and Sam flooded her mind. Aelin’s parents were victims of a drive-by shooting when she was twelve years old. Aedion’s family didn’t know she existed until she had already endured five years of playing human punching bag and hiding her most prized possessions under her pants while she slept on the floor. At that point, however, it was too late for her Uncle Gavriel to claim guardianship. She only needed to last three more months in hell before she turned 18 and could attend Terrasen University.</p><p>Growing up, Aelin was always fueled by pure hope, by her fireheart, as her mother called it. But towards the end, even on her best days, she didn't think she’d make it out of there. She was forced to watch her favorite foster brother, Sam, be beaten to a pulp while another was sent to Juvie. All of her energy was put towards getting good grades and staying on Arobynn’s good side. The former was easy, she was always good at school.</p><p>The latter… Well, let’s just say there was an incident with a matchbox, Arobynn’s favorite wrist watch, and a can opener. Aelin still has a scar on her left brow from what went down after that.</p><p>“And now,” Lysandra’s voice brought her back to the present. “Now, you are a first generation college student about to graduate with a degree in Chemical Engineering. You alone got yourself a full ride to Terrasen U, and you alone have brought yourself back from the depths of hell to make something with the life the gods gave you.”</p><p>“But--”</p><p>Lysandra cut her off with a squeeze of her hands. “But nothing, Aelin. I don’t care if this man is your mate. I don’t care if you end up growing old and dying with him. You <em> do not </em> need him to dictate whether or not you are worth something.”</p><p>Aelin knew when to argue with Lysandra, but after those words, now was not one of those times.</p><p>Groaning, Aelin did what she does best: she got up from the floor and went on with her life. </p><p>When classes rolled around in the third week of January, it was easy for her to forget about Rowan. She only had two more classes and her senior thesis standing between her and her Bachelor’s degree, which hopefully comes with an acceptance into the Pharmaceutical Engineering Master’s Program at Terrasen U.</p><p>Fire had always fascinated her. The bunsen burners and hot plates and mixing of chemicals spoke to her in a way that she couldn’t really put into words. But fire, while beautiful, can also destroy. So she chose a field that would allow her to burn while creating methods of healing.</p><p>It didn't hurt that her TA, Chaol Westfall, wasn’t bad to look at. Last semester, he had asked her out on a couple dates, but she was already starting to talk to Rowan. It didn’t matter now that the man in question is probably off with some bimbo from Doranelle. His loss, right?</p><p>About a month and a half into the semester, Aelin finally worked up the courage to ask Chaol to grab coffee after class. She was packing up her books to head home and get ready when the nausea hit. She haphazardly zipped her backpack and ran to the nearest restroom. As she rinsed her mouth in the sink, she mourned the chocolate cake that was now making its way to the Avery.</p><p>Her mourning quickly morphed into panic when she thought about what day it was. As she did the mental math, she ran out the door and beelined for her car. Thank the gods no police were on the road at this time because she definitely deserved a ticket for how fast she drove to the pharmacy, then to Lysandra’s.</p><p>Aelin sprinted up the steps to her front door as fast as she could and incessantly knocked on the door.</p><p>The door opened to reveal a man with his shirt half unbuttoned, hair in disarray. Aedion scowled at her. “You better have a good fucking excuse for interrupting, cousin.” He said it playfully, but Aelin didn't have the mental capacity to roll her eyes and play along.</p><p>She pushed past him and ran to the kitchen, not stopping to think about why she knows their fetishes. Lysandra is tucking her breast back into her dress when Aelin exclaims, “I’m late.”</p><p>Lysandra, bless her soul, knew exactly what she meant, and ran to her side. “How late? Did you take a test?”</p><p>Aelin let Lysandra guide her into a seat and listened to her command to <em> breathe </em>. “Not yet, but I picked one up on the way here.” She looked Lysandra in the eye. “I always get my period the last week of the month, no sooner, no later. I wasn’t really thinking about it last month because I was so busy planning out my thesis, but…”</p><p>“...but it’s the end of February and you still haven’t gotten it,” Lysandra finished for her. “Not to play the Mother Hen part, but were you and Rowan always safe? I thought you were on birth control?”</p><p>Aelin shook her head. “My body doesn’t handle birth control well, but Rowan always, <em> always </em> , used a condom. When we didn’t have any, we didn’t do it, end of story. Our relationship was so new, we didn’t even do it <em> that </em> much.”</p><p>“Okay, well, condoms aren’t always 100% effective, but let’s not jump to any conclusions. Let’s take this one step at a time. First, drink some water, then pee on the stick. I’ll be with you to read it, and then we’ll figure it out from there, got it?”</p><p>Aelin nodded, eternally grateful she didn’t have to go through this with Aedion. The Army must have done something right with his brain because he made himself scarce after he answered the door.</p><p>She did the deed, opened the door for Lysandra, and they both sat on the floor holding hands for three minutes.</p><p>Aelin already knew what it would show.</p><p>Two solid pink lines.</p><p>Positive.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter 2</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>
    <span>Breathe. </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Breathe.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Brea--</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin retched again, unsure whether it was morning sickness or fear. Probably a little bit of both. Lysandra just held her hair and rubbed her back.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>After a few minutes of silence, Aelin whispers, “Now, what do I do, Lys?” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Well, you don’t need to make any decisions right now. I’ll set up the guest room for you so you can sleep off some of this initial shock, yeah? Then tomorrow you and I can figure it out.” Aelin leaned against Lysandra's chest, unable to dull the roaring in her brain. “This time, Aelin, </span>
  <em>
    <span>you are not alone.</span>
  </em>
  <span> I will be with you every step of the way. Do you want to tell Aedion?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>That brought her to her senses a little bit, and she shook her head. “Not yet. Maybe once the initial shock has passed. One thing I don’t need right now is Aedion turning into a territorial Army bastard and booking the first flight to Wendlyn to beat Rowan to a pulp.” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lysandra laughed. “Okay, sweetheart. Let’s get you a shower and then I’ll find some food for you to eat. Maybe some soup?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let’s try tomato? I make no promises, though.” Aelin stood up and turned on the shower. Lysandra waited until Aelin was safely inside before leaving to find some tomato soup.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Left alone with her thoughts, Aelin let the water flow through her hair, down her back and face. She didn’t even know where to start, so she allowed herself to stand there and think of nothing. She allowed herself this shower to be numb, if just for a moment, because the fire in her heart was already burning.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin didn’t know how to be a mother. She didn’t know much about pregnancy. Being an only child, she never had to babysit. What vitamins is she supposed to take? What if she has a boy?  She didn’t know what was going to happen with her senior thesis now.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn’t know what Rowan will say, and that thought causes the most panic. She focuses on what she does know, instead.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She isn’t religious, but she knows abortion is not an option. She knows what happened to her own parents was unavoidable--a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time--but after Arobynn, she knows she will not subject this child to adoption. She knows that she doesn’t know anything about parenting.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she’s going to learn.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Even if she had to do it alone.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The fire in her heart burned even brighter with the thought. Growing up, she was always passionate about what she did, from learning the piano to Tae Kwon Do. Her mother called her Fireheart for a reason.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When her parents died, she worried about her fire, her will, going out. But it must have been some innate force that kept it alive. Even when she was scared for her life in foster care, her fire never extinguished. It was the only thing she had to fuel her determination to make it out of there in one piece.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>All her life, Aelin’s heart burned only for herself.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But not anymore.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin allowed herself the shower to cry her shock away. Here, standing in the scalding spray, will she be weak and selfish for the last time. When she steps out of the shower, she’s going to sit down and make a plan and move on with her life. Whatever that means from here on out, she will do whatever it takes to make a life for her unborn baby.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Forty-five minutes later, Aelin walks into Lysandra’s kitchen wearing a pair of borrowed sweatpants and a shirt that says “Army” on the chest. She can only assume her cousin left it behind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A glass of water, a bottle of Gatorade, and a bowl of basil tomato soup with bread on the side were already waiting for her. Lysandra was preparing something for herself at the stove. Before she sat down at the kitchen island, Aelin walked up to her friend and hugged her from behind.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lysandra fiddled with something in the pan for a minute before turning off the burner and turning around to wrap Aelin in her arms.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Neither woman said anything for a few minutes. Aelin took in a deep breath and pulled away.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She waited until they were both seated at the table before speaking. “I’m going to keep the baby. I don’t know what that means with my relationship with Rowan, whether he wants to be a part of their life and mine. But no matter what, they will not be given up.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I support you completely with everything you decide. Do you know how you’re going to tell Rowan? Or when? He isn’t due back here until the end of the semester. I don’t want to push you, but by then, you might be showing already. Everyone will know, which means there’s a good chance he’ll find out from someone who isn’t you.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin nodded. “I know, I know. I did think about that already. I was thinking of telling him after my first doctor’s appointment? Once it’s confirmed and I have some sort of idea how to move forward medically, I’ll be a little more comfortable with explaining the situation to him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Okay, that’s a great idea. Do you want to call and make an appointment now? The clinic should still be open.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin agreed and went to grab her phone. She was surprised to see so many notifications, she doesn’t have that many people she talks to on a regular basis. When she unlocked her phone to see who had been calling and texting her, her heart sank. It was already 4:30 in the afternoon, and she was supposed to meet Chaol at 4.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>With furrowed brows that caused a look of confusion to appear on Lysandra’s face, she texted Chaol. The last text from him asked, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Is everything okay?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She replied, </span>
  <em>
    <span>I am so sorry. I felt awful after class today so I ran to a friend’s house. I’ve had my head stuck in the toilet for most of the day since then, I didn’t have my phone on me.</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He didn’t take long to type a response. </span>
  <em>
    <span>It’s okay, that’s understandable. Do you need me to pick anything up for you?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin groaned at what a sweetheart he was and said, </span>
  <em>
    <span>My friend Lysandra is on duty right now and is currently shoving soup down my throat as we speak, but thank you. Let’s take a rain check on that coffee?</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>I’d love that. Let me know if you need anything, and we’ll definitely talk when you feel better. I’ll do my best to get a copy of the notes in class for you in case you need to take the rest of the week off. Feel better, Aelin!</span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin put down her phone and dropped her face to her hands. “I feel so terrible,” she said.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Lysandra’s mouth was full, but Aelin understood her when she asked what happened. She explained who Chaol was and how she was going to finally put herself back out there and go on a date. “But now I don’t know how to let him down easy without spilling my guts to him. Should I still reschedule?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her friend chewed and thought for a second. “I think you can get coffee with him, but after your appointment </span>
  <em>
    <span>and </span>
  </em>
  <span>after you tell Rowan. At that point, you should be able to figure out what information to give him. If anything, you can still be his friend.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Satisfied with that answer, Aelin picked up her phone again to call the clinic. She put it on speaker for Lysandra to hear. A receptionist with a sweet voice named Evangeline asked her for some basic information to book her appointment.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I do believe we are all set, Ms. Galathynius. I have you down for this Friday at 10AM. Since this is your first appointment for this pregnancy, we ask that you arrive at least thirty minutes in advance to fill out some paperwork and questionnaires. Will anyone be accompanying you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin looked to Lysandra who nodded. “Yes, ma’am, a friend will be with me. Her name is Lysandra Ennar.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Sounds great, I will make sure she is on your approved list before you get here. We look forward to meeting with you, and congratulations!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin mumbled a thank you and hung up. Since Lysandra was the only one at this point to know she was pregnant, Aelin had yet to hear the word </span>
  <em>
    <span>congratulations </span>
  </em>
  <span>in regards to it. Evangeline sounded genuinely happy for her. It touched her a little more than it probably should. It gave her hope.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>Friday morning came sooner than Aelin expected. The last day and a half were spent making lists and plans and researching. Aelin was really good at making lists and plans and researching.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin was doing just that on her phone in the waiting room with Lysandra when the Medical Assistant called her back. Everyone was lit up with smiles when they saw her, and Aelin had to admit that eased her nerves.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They took her height, weight, and blood pressure, then instructed her to wait on the examination table for the doctor.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She and Lysandra were talking about how to tell Aedion about where they are this morning when there was a knock at the door and a beautiful woman with golden-brown skin and long, brown ringlets for hair walked in.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The woman shook both their hands and introduced herself as Dr. Yrene Towers. “It is a pleasure to meet you Ms. Galathynius, and I’m so excited for you on this journey. We’re going to go over the paperwork you filled out in the waiting room, and I also have a series of questions I have to ask you as well.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dr. Towers sat at the computer next to the table and began logging into it. “Let me pull up your chart, and if at any point you have any questions, feel free to interrupt me. Does that sound good?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin nodded. “Great! So first things first, this says your last period started the 20th of December, putting you at about nine weeks along. This gives you an expected due date of… September 25th! We’ll be able to get a more accurate date when we get an ultrasound.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin beamed at Lysandra and reached over to hold her hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“After today, we will see you every four weeks to monitor the baby’s growth, run blood tests, and talk about your overall well-being.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The rest of the appointment was great, Aelin warmed up to Dr. Towers immediately. So much so that when she switched to the next subject, Aelin didn’t shy away in the way she thought she might.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I noticed that you didn't fill out the questions regarding paternity. It’s not completely necessary, but we like to know the health histories on both sides to get a better understanding of what your pregnancy will look like.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin bit her lip, then said, “I don't know anything about the father’s parents. I, uh, haven't even told him we’re having a baby. I’m not sure how involved he will be, either.” Lysandra squeezed her hand.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I get it, Ms. Galathynius, and there is absolutely no pressure in regards to that. I’m satisfied knowing you have support in any form.” This time, Aelin squeezed Lysandra’s hand.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Dr. Towers typed a few more notes on the computer, gave Aelin a few pamphlets regarding food and exercise, then instructed her to schedule her next appointment before leaving. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>By the end of the appointment, Aelin was in good spirit, that fire in her heart burning bright.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If you have any questions or concerns before now and then, feel free to call us at any time. We always have a doctor on call after hours. I’m looking forward to being with you on this journey, Ms. Galathynius.” She extended her hand. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Aelin shook it. Smiled. There was something about the way they interacted that told Aelin the seed of friendship beyond their doctor-patient had been planted. “Please, call me Aelin.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Only if you call me Yrene,” she said with a grin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On the way home, Aelin told Lysandra she would make dinner for her and Aedion the next night so they can tell him together. She’d do it tonight, but she feels obligated to talk to Rowan before anyone else finds out.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She doesn't know how he will react, but her fireheart flickers with hope.</span>
</p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <span>The next morning, Aelin woke up feeling better than she had all week. She felt like no matter what happens, she can take on the world. She was ready.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Before her mind could convince her otherwise, she picked up the phone and dialed the number she knows by heart.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The fire in her heart dimmed when a female voice answered, “Hello?”</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Trigger warnings: depictions of anxiety, panic attacks</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>“Hellooo?” The sultry female voice repeated.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>At least Aelin is sure she doesn’t need to get her ears checked--it was definitely a woman who answered. She pulled the phone from her ear to double check the name she dialed. Indeed, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Rowan, bird emoji, </span>
  </em>
  <span>in bold white letters stares back at her.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>In the background, Aelin heard the rustle of sheets. A mumbled male voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin immediately hung up and threw her phone to the other side of her bed. She pulled her knees to chest, tucked her head between them, and forced herself to breathe in and out. In and out. In. Out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The pounding in her ears threatened to pull her into the oblivion she always tries so hard to avoid. Aelin’s anxiety started showing face after her parents died, only to worsen after her Uncle Gavriel. Her first night in Arobynn’s foster care was also the first time she had a panic attack.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For Aelin, they come in the form of water. She starts in a room, which is more like a glorified box. The walls are either made of glass or a clear plastic, she can never get close enough to tell, and although there is no ceiling, the walls run farther and higher than her eyes can see. Her room-box is on a beach somewhere with wet sand at her feet. In the beginning, she tried to dig her way out, only to give up when each handful of sand was replaced by twice that. Until the sand was up to her knees, trapping her. It’s always night time, the sky starless. The only light is provided by the sliver of a waning moon over the horizon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then the tide begins to rise. There are no waves yet, just a gradual increase in water. It reaches her feet first, naturally, and by the time the water reaches the opposite wall of her room-box, it’s at her knees. Then the water bounces off the wall, creating ripples in the water that threaten to throw her off-balance.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The force of the waves intensifies as the water reaches her waist. And then she’s tumbling. The first few times, she can still reach the bottom to push herself to the surface. She’s been through this so much, she knows that after her third push she needs to try and take the deepest breath she can manage before she’s pulled under for good.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That happens next. She’s unsure which way is up or down, right or left. She tries to swim in whichever direction feels right, but the water is endless and she’s no longer in the room-box. She’s in the depths of the ocean, too far below to where there is no current to guide her, only nothing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>All too soon, she runs out of breath, but she would rather suffocate herself than inhale water. Either way, her panic wins. Aelin is never the target, without her they cease to exist. It’s that fire in her heart that the panic is after because without that fire, Aelin is no more. Her attacks are smart because they know there are two ways to extinguish a fire: deprive it of oxygen or get it wet.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin is about to release the hold she has on her lungs when she feels something in her hand. In the water, she can’t tell what it is until another set of fingers interlace with hers. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then she’s being pulled. Pulled and pulled, up and up, until the black of the water fades to blue. She never knows when it happens, but when she finally breaks the surface, there’s sunlight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Slowly, she becomes more aware of her surroundings. Below her, she feels the fabric of her bedsheets, not the grains of sand. Her skin is damp from sweat, not soaked with sea water. Her breathing, while still shallow, is beginning to even out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her years of going to the university’s wellness center kicked in after a minute, and she began to list foods in alphabetical order in her head. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Apples, bananas, cake.</span>
  </em>
  <span> She wiggles her toes. </span>
  <em>
    <span>French fries, grapes, hamburgers. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She stretches her legs. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Kiwi, lasagna, mangoes. </span>
  </em>
  <span>She flexes her fingers, her arms. </span>
  <em>
    <span>Oranges, popsicles, quesadillas.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>In. Out.</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Spaghetti, tacos, udon noodles.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin lifts her head and opens her eyes. She blinks a few times and is finally able to focus on the soft forest green eyes staring back at her. They are so similar to yet completely different from the bright emeralds she longs to see.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her best friend just sat there, holding her sweaty hand in hers until Aelin was ready to speak. She had to clear her throat a few times before she rasped, “A woman answered his phone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lysandra’s eyes widened ever so slightly, but her face revealed nothing as she grabbed a glass of water she must have brought with her. Wordlessly, she handed it to Aelin. She downed half the glass in one go, then finished it in two more. She kept the glass in her hands, spinning it mindlessly as they talked.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I don’t think you need me to tell you that it might not mean anything,” she said.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin sighed. “I don’t think you need me to tell you that my mind isn’t exactly in the right place to be thinking of silver linings.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know, I do, but we don’t need to freak out about it quite yet. I mean, you were going to go on a date with Chaol, right?” Aelin nodded weakly, seeing where she was going with this. “And he doesn’t actually know about the baby yet. So truly, he hasn’t done anything wrong, yeah?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I really hate when you’re right.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I think you secretly love it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The corner of Aelin’s mouth quirked up for a split second. “You’re as insufferable as my cousin.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Lysandra barked out a laugh that made Aelin giggle. The sound was short-lived as the best friends were enveloped by silence once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin contemplated what to do next, knowing Lysandra was exactly right. She </span>
  <em>
    <span>was</span>
  </em>
  <span> going to go on a date with someone else. So why did the thought of Rowan with another woman freak her out so badly? Gods, she was a mess. She really wants to blame it on the baby.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The baby.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin touched a hand to her still-flat stomach and picked up her phone, knowing she needed to just rip the band-aid off. Her phone showed no new messages from Rowan, but why would he call his ex when he can be tangled in the sheets with the sexy-voiced woman? </span>
  <em>
    <span>Not the point, Aelin.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Right. She opened her text messages, scrolling to her conversation with Rowan.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Her heart clenched and silver lined her eyes when she saw that the last message he had sent her was on New Year’s Day. It read, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Here’s to you and me in 2020, baby. I love you.</span>
  </em>
  <span> Within 24 hours of that message, their relationship went to shit. Aelin doesn’t even remember what really happened, but next thing she knew, she was standing in an airport terminal crying, single, and unknowingly with child.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin took a deep breath to calm her nerves and typed out a simple, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey Rowan. I know we haven’t talked since you left, but I was wondering if you could call me when you’re free? Just let me know, thanks.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>She locked her phone and crawled back under the covers. Effectively drained from her panic, the fire that was burning so bright when she woke up was barely an ember.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The sound of Lysandra moving about her apartment lulled her back into a dreamless sleep.</span>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span>Rowan Whitethorn was tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. He was so gods damned tired. His old friend, Vaughan, told him that if he took just one really easy study abroad class, he’ll essentially get a semester long vacation paid for completely by financial aid.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan had a free elective left in his crazy pre-law schedule, so he chose photography. Just taking pictures of random shit, right?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wrong.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His brain is overflowing with random information about aperture and lighting and exposure, and if someone tells him his angles are wrong one more time, he’s going to lose it. On top of that, he was assigned a partner to work with this whole semester. And because there really must be a god out there whose sole purpose is to spite him, his partner is his unbearable ex, Remelle.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He and Remelle are from the same hometown and went to the same middle and high school. They started dating the summer before they left for college and decided to stay together at the University of Terrasen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He wasn’t sure what it was exactly that made him realize Remelle was a Grade A Bitch, but by the end of fall semester, he ended it with her. Then he met Aelin through Fenrys, and - well, he doesn’t want to think about her right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan has been in Wendlyn for about two months now, running around the city finding subjects for their project. Wendlyn is one of the biggest cities he’s ever been to, and even if he commutes everywhere he’s trying to go, it takes him a whole day to barely cover sixteenth of the land.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It wouldn’t be so bad if he had someone else to split the city with, but Remelle usually spends her whole day seducing whatever poor bastard she can get to take her to bed that night instead. He’d drag Fenrys along if he could, but he opted to take an Old Language class and is stuck in a classroom at Mistward Tech.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The weather in Wendlyn was finally beginning to warm up after weeks of blizzards and freezing temperatures that put Terrasen winters to shame, so Rowan chose to wander on foot. He spends most of the morning taking practice shots of Wendlyn architecture and anything else that might look nice for the project.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan had to admit this was a nice excuse to go sightseeing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>By noon, he was feeling good about the progress he made and planned to reward himself with whatever delicious spread their hosts had prepared for lunch. He figured he was about an hour walk away from their housing, so he opted to call an Uber.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It took him about five minutes of rummaging through the camera bag before he finally found his phone. The sun was so bright at this time of day that the only thing he could see was that his facial recognition wasn’t working. Using muscle memory, he typed in his passcode when the faint lines of numbers appeared. That didn’t work either.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Growing more and more frustrated and hungry by the minute, Rowan walked until he found an awning to use as shade. Blinking away the blinding spots from his eyes, his frustration morphed into anger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This wasn’t his fucking phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Since when did he and Remelle have the same phone? With almost identical cases? He cursed her for whatever plot she’s probably scheming by switching their phones. He cursed her again for being the reason he’s way too exhausted to realize the phone he packed that morning wasn’t even his.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan decided to order a sandwich and water from a shop nearby - using Remelle’s card from the wallet attached to her phone, because </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck you, Remelle</span>
  </em>
  <span> - and walk back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As he walked, Rowan let his mind wander to the golden haired beauty with turquoise eyes across the sea - the source of his emotional exhaustion. He loved her, would go as far as saying he was </span>
  <em>
    <span>in love</span>
  </em>
  <span> with her. But something about their chemistry had exploded in the weeks leading up to his study abroad program, and not in a good way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>For lack of a better explanation, he was confused. From the moment he met her in his own apartment with Fenrys, he knew they were going to be something. Not even a month later, they went on their first date and the rest was history. Not only was their friendship instantaneously synchronous, but when they finally crossed that intimate threshold, their chemistry was like no other.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Fast forward two years later, and they were better than ever. Aelin fit in with his friend group so perfectly she officially dubbed them “the Cadre” and herself as their “Queen”. Rowan was starting to take his future with her seriously.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>But then Lyria transferred to the University of Terrasen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan never told Aelin about her. He didn’t think he had to. They were childhood to middle school sweethearts, hardly anything substantial. She moved before they got to high school when her dad was transferred to the Air Force base in Eyllwe. They kept in touch as best they could, but it was high school. Remelle was there and Lyria wasn’t. When Aelin came along, he forgot about her altogether.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>His first week of senior year, he was waiting for his comparative law class to start, when she sat down next to him. His emerald green eyes met startlingly familiar chestnut ones, and Rowan felt like he couldn’t breathe. He was lucky it was the first day of syllabus week - it didn’t matter if he paid attention or not.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They caught up over coffee and started studying together throughout the semester. He told her all about Aelin, and when he finally introduced the two women, they were fast friends. He wasn’t sure when it happened, but at some point, Aelin’s demeanor began to change.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>She was usually so confident with herself and her place in the world, but every time Lyria was mentioned, her eyes shuttered for a brief second. If he wasn’t constantly enamoured with the constant shift from turquoise to gold in her eyes, he would have never noticed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Then her jealousy began to show, along with her possessiveness. It was unbecoming of her. But every time he brought it up, her pride took over and she denied all of his accusations. Every time he tried to explain that he loved </span>
  <em>
    <span>Aelin</span>
  </em>
  <span> and a romantic relationship with Lyria was a thing of the past, she brushed it off with an </span>
  <em>
    <span>I know</span>
  </em>
  <span> but continued to act like a stranger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When he felt he couldn’t take it anymore, he used his study abroad as an excuse to take a break. He thought it would be a good idea for the two of them to spend some time apart and re-evaluate when he was back in Terrasen. At this point in time, if she hasn’t figured out that he has been faithful to her this whole time, he isn’t sure he will want to fight for them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was that thought that brought him back to the housing campus right outside of Mistward Tech. He marched himself straight to Remelle’s room, knowing that even though it was well into the afternoon, she was most definitely still tangled in the sheets with a stranger.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After a minute of incessant knocking, Remelle opened the door with an irritated, “</span>
  <em>
    <span>What?”</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan didn’t bother being pleasant. “Give me my phone.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What are you talking about?” The glint in her eye told him she knew exactly what he was talking about, and Rowan was not having it.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I honestly don’t give a fuck about what game you’re playing, but I’m exhausted, hungry, and need my phone back.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Why do you need it? Expecting a call from someone?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No? I just want it back?” Remelle stared at him with a look he couldn’t quite decipher before turning back into her room to retrieve his phone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>When they traded, she said, “You got a weird call this morning. I obviously thought it was my phone so I didn’t bother checking the caller ID, but the other person hung up without saying anything.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan mumbled a thanks then went to the kitchen to grab a snack to eat in his bed. As soon as he flopped on the bed, all he wanted to do was take a nap, but he managed to stay awake long enough to check his notifications.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Other than a few likes on a post he uploaded a few days ago, there was nothing interesting. He plugged his phone into the charger by the night stand and was about to close his eyes when the sound of an incoming text made him alert. It wasn’t just any sound, though. It was the first few notes of Fur Elise. Aelin’s favorite piano piece.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He quickly sat up on the side of the bed and unlocked his phone. What he read made his heart rate increase as if he was running up the side of one of the mountains near Mistward. She wrote, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Hey Rowan. I know we haven’t talked since you left, but I was wondering if you could call me when you’re free? Just let me know, thanks.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <span>He didn’t need to think twice about tapping her name on his favorites list and lifting the phone to his ear. It rang and rang and rang for so long, he thought she wasn’t going to answer. But then she did. And his heart skipped a beat at the sound of her voice.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rowan?” She sounded hesitant, like she wasn’t sure it was him on the other end.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Yeah, it’s me. Um, how are you, Aelin?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He could hear her heavy breathing, trying to steady herself. It made Rowan nervous. “I think so? It depends on the day, really. I, um, I actually have something I need to talk to you about. I had a whole speech planned out, but I don’t know if there’s a best way to tell you this.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rowan waited with bated breath. What could she possibly have to tell him? He wondered if she started dating someone else already. The thought made his stomach drop. But what else could it be?</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Aelin took a deep breath with a forceful exhale. The next words that came out of her mouth made his heart join his stomach on the floor.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Rowan. I’m pregnant.”</span>
</p>
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